Lost In My Own Thoughts....

With the new moon tomorrow and also dealing with some PMS, I have been lost in my own thoughts. And what are my thoughts you ask?? Relationships..Yep, sucks..lol All my relationships have been in some way, bad. Except for my marriage. It wasn't totally awful and he just wanted to control how I looked. I am not going to use real names, one I can because he's dead now. Erik was a bastard of a human. He was an addict and also my abuser. When he found out I was pregnant he wanted me to have a abortion. So did my grandmother and yet I defied them and had my son anyways. One night in particular he was high and I tried to leave. He yanked me by the arm, dislocated my shoulder and broke my nose. I even went into early labor, which they were able to stop. I wound up leaving him and denied him from seeing his son (which he always denied). Him and some people we knew robbed my house and torched it. Afterwards he stalked me for 4 years, until I left Ohio for Florida. My other ex bf was verbally and also physically abusive as well. We were together for 4 years and he was an ass to me and my son. He was emotionally dependent on me and was also clingy. He always had to know what I was doing, who I was with, my work schedule, and if I was with my family, he had to know if there was any guys there. He also wanted me to dress like his mom, yeah, creepy. At one point I found out I was pregnant and he hit me so hard I wound up miscarrying. He always said he never wanted kids and went as far as to say there was no way possible it was his. When I finally moved to Florida I felt like I could finally breathe. My husband (we're still married), isn't a total creep. He has his moments, but he's a good father. He just wanted to control how I looked and my friends. He didn't like I had friends, mainly because he doesn't have any, except his strange family. I on the other hand always make friends. He also controlled the money, I was a stay at home mom for most our marriage, when I wasn't working. He's also emotionally constipated, he doesn't express any of his emotions. I wear my heart on my sleeve (I haven't always..lol) and have no issues tell you how I feel. He couldn't express how he was feeling to me, but talking to Dana he had no issues and then they started screwing around behind everyone back. Then there's the 300lb asshole James Ryan Boyd (yeah, full real name). I felt bad for him, his "mom" is a bitch. Totally put him down, called him names, belittled him, ect..Oh and she's supposed to be "Christian". She's a horrible woman and I felt bad for him. I was never in love with him and I know this now. He was emotionally and verbally abusive. The way he made me feel and the things he said to me, ripped me apart. Funny thing is how he would never do it around my kids, they would've killed him. His friend has no clue how he was towards me either. He was also trying to hook up with past ex gf's as well. He is a total piece of shit and also cheated on me as well. So yeah, a look into my past relationships. LOL I had some minor relationships based purely on sex, not a bad thing. lol But, I do know one thing. Falling in love again is scary as hell to me. The "L" word is scarier and don't get me started on the "M" word. I do know one thing, I feel bad for who ever wants to be with me. I have a friend who will hurt the person who hurts me. So yeah, with PMS and a serious lack of sleep does this to me..........lol I know I'm not shattered, just a little crack and broken, but I am repairable. Thanks for reading this. TTFN, Justine