Update Of Sorts...

It has been a little over a month since I have been in Florida and I still feel awesome. I get to talk to Collin all the time, I've talked with Bobby as well. Bobby is doing his own thing, he is 21 after all. Collin is 15 and making Eagle Scout next year. I haven't been able to see him, he been busy with camps for scouts. I have been busy as well, I FINALLY landed a job!! It's called Gator Bob's and it's in the heart of Saint Augustine!! I know I've passed my drug test and also my background check as well, not sure when I start, but soon..very soon. I've also come to the conclusion I am not ready for a relationship of any kind. The thought of one gives me a panic attack. I am also not ready to "hook" up or anything, just going to continue to do my own thing and be happy. I found a quote and really like it. Thanks for reading my random ramble. TTFN, Justine

My Bubble...Let Me Explain..lol

I have a nice comfy bubble I live in. It's full of all the things I like, actually love. lol Mac and cheese, chicken fingers, burgers, pizza (no olives), just all the things I like and nothing else. Me and my friends were at Saint George street in Saint Augustine and we looked around the shops and just had fun. I was traumatized briefly by my friend Jon, but that was pay back for a comment I said the day before. (We banter a lot). Anyways, we stopped in at a local bar they like. The beer I tried was yummy, I don't drink often with my family history of addiction, but the occasional drink is ok. We ordered food and to my surprise, NO FRIES!! I mean WTF!! How do you not have fries with a burger?? I had cole slaw which was too sweet for me, but still good. My friends gf turned to me and said," we are here for your good. We are going to burst your bubble and get you out of your comfort zone." Yep, their mission is to get me to try scary foods (what I think are scary), beer, hummus, ect.. I like a challenge and I want to be more carefree, but I like my bubble. lol I am ready for changes in my life, I am willing to welcome them, just be gentle. lol Ok, my randomness..lol Thanks for reading. TTFN, Justine

Regrets..

Sometimes we do things in life we wish we never did, like steal a boyfriend of your best friend or eat the last brownie. Then there's darker stuff that some people have done, like drinking while driving and worse. I don't have any such regrets, really I don't have any regrets. I don't regret the things that I have done in my life, I wish I could have done them differently, but we all have things we wish we could have done differently. I know I have certain people I wish I never knew, but then that means my oldest wouldn't be here. I believe things always happen for a reason. Good or bad, they happen and we can't control that. I know there are somethings I wish never happened to me, but then I wouldn't be the person I am today. I've lived a rough life, one that isn't pretty, but has also taught me certain things in life. It's also given me a thick skin and the ability to laugh at myself and the things I can't control. Growing up the way I have also taught me the value of family and how my sister is the most important person to me, other than my two sons. I can say that I don't have any regrets. Things I have done , I have made peace with and also not ashamed of any of them. It's helped make me who I am. OK, just my little ramble. Hope you enjoyed. lol TTFN, Justine

Reading Is Great therapy..

It is for me, I'm dyslexic, so reading actually helps with my dyslexia. The way I see words or numbers, it isn't the same way everyone else sees them, though I can spell like a champion, even though half the time I think they're spelled wrong. LOL I can joke around about my dyslexia, but I was bullied and tormented as a kid. I was considered learning disabled, yeah, have that title as a kid and see how you are treated. Not only in school, but at home. There wasn't a thing I wasn't called, mostly by my grandmother and siblings and that had an effect on me. I grew a tough skin and I fought, a lot. I was always in a fight of some sort, always in the office, always in trouble for sticking up for myself, something I will never regret. Reading also helped me conquer my own narcissistic traits I had. I didn't know I had any until my ex husband pointed them out. (Yes, he's the cat calling the kettle black.) I was a bit negative at times, angry, and had some serious control issues. I learned to let things go, like my family. My family is a whole subject of their own, I only have nice things to say about my sister and other family and friends who have since passed on. I have nothing nice to say about my grandmother, she wasn't a kind person and probably had some mental issues of her own. But with the books I've read, they have opened some issues I still have. Mostly with the fear of dating and falling in love. Terrifying to say the least. Also having to deal with some stuff that happened that you never told anyone, except a handful of friends. I haven't thought of that stuff in a long time, thanks to my latest book. It isn't a bad thing that I have to think about it, I have to deal with it eventually and have to talk about it, I just don't like to. I dealt with things my own way my whole life and I have things from my childhood I hope I never have to remember. But, if I want to one day be in a relationship, this stuff needs to be brought up. I have a survivor of these traumas and need not be afraid of being judged for what has happened to me. Yeah, a little deep this time, I get that way. Thanks for reading. TTFN, Justine

Food..

Never gave it much thought to what I liked. I always cooked for myself and my family and what they like. My ex was all meat and potatoes, no veggies unless it was corn or green beans, seriously. Until he started cheating on me, he never tried other veggies or anything. So, I was asked what my favorite food is and I couldn't think of anything. I don't really know what I like. I know what scares me, hummus being one of them. LOL I also have food allergies, so that limits some things. I want to be that person who can eat anything, but I can't. Onions being the main reason, I'm allergic to them. Shellfish will kill me, so puts a damper on that. I love my veggies and my meat, but really don't know what I like. I can cook just about anything and my baking skills are AWESOME!! LOL I do believe cookies and cupcakes are in their own food group, so I do like my sweets. lol I love barbecue, so I do like some things. And I enjoy a good pizza and burgers. LOL This whole getting to know myself thing is going to be interesting and I'm scared, but it will be fun and adventurous. This is my short ramble for the day, thanks for reading. TTFN, Justine

Another fear to conquer..

Being in the ocean...lol Hear me out first and then you can judge, if you want. LOL I grew up in a fishing town in Port Clinton, Ohio in the summers. I was fishing and swimming before I was walking. Lake Erie really doesn't have anything that will eat you. You may get attacked by a perch, but that's it. We don't even have venomous snakes in Ohio. The deer are over populated because they have no real enemies in Ohio, so swimming in the ocean for the first time was terrifying. The only time I am ever clingy is when I'm in the water and something touches my foot or leg. lol I want to be able to relax in the ocean and not feel like I'm going to have a panic attack. I've swam in the Gulf and love it, it's much calmer. But the ocean isn't so calm, though it has its moments where it is and I've been in that water. I've also been in the water when the dolphins are out and the manatees too. But, I want to be able to relax and just be like everyone else in the water and not worry if something is going to chomp on me. lol I also want to be able to be in a small boat in the ocean and not freak out, though that one is way down the line. I want to learn to canoe and kayak and not freak out. I have panic attacks around water at times, but not in Lake Erie. I grew up in that lake and never once freaked out, but I feel so small compared to the ocean and the gulf and I think about all the things with teeth that will bite and eat me. Then there are the things that bump into you. I usually leave the water and sit on the shore. lol Yep, I freak out that bad. Being in Saint Augustine, is awesome and finally going back into the water is a terrifying thought. Almost as terrifying as looking at myself in a mirror trying on shorts. Yes, something I will also conquer and I will also buy a bathing suit as well. lol Baby steps, teeny tiny infant steps. LOL Thanks for reading my ramblings. TTFN, Justine

Dreams...

We all have dreams. Mine is to one day have my own bakery or food truck. My youngest wants to be a paleontologist, so we all have dreams. When we sleep, we dream. We may dream we are flying, being chased by something or someone, or it could be a silly dream about Smurfs. Yes, I had a dream I was a Smurf when I was younger. LOL There are also nightmares and I've had a bunch of those since being back in Florida. I can't explain why and I can usually control my dreams and force myself to wake up, but not with these nightmares. They wont let me and it terrifies and also fascinates me as well. My family also has premonition dreams. Me, my sister, my youngest, and even my grandmother use to have these dreams. We dreamed about our old house in Ohio getting broken into and also dreamed about our house getting set on fire. I personally dreamed about a co workers son passing away when I worked at Tony Roma's. What we have is a blessing and at times a curse at times. It's nice to be able to see something before it happens, but you don't know when or how and you really have a hard time talking to anyone about what happened. I was never able to explain anything to my ex husband, he wasn't a believer in anything. My grandmother just wouldn't listen, but my sister understood. With the way my family tree runs, I was curious if my sons would dream like me. My oldest, not so much, thanks to my grandmother. But, my youngest..he's got the gift like me. It still freaks him out and me too, but it's supposed to, well I think it's supposed to. I don't sleep as well as I use to, I don't know why. I've battled insomnia most my adult and teen life. There aren't too many old horror movies I haven't seen or other movies. When I do sleep, I remember my dreams and I don't want to go back to sleep. Sometimes they're good dreams and then I have my nightmares I can't wake myself up from, those are the ones that frighten me and then I'm awake. Thanks for reading my ramblings. LOL TTFN, Justine

Fears..

We all have a fear of some kind. Snakes, clowns, and heights are on the top of my list and not in that order. LOL I want to conquer all of them, even the clown one. I want to be able to view clowns in a non terrifying, child eating way. lol But I have other fears and these are legit fears and maybe one day, who knows. The fear of hearing I LOVE YOU is terrifying to me and also WILL YOU MARRY ME. The fear of total commitment to someone and being vulnerable is terrifying. The thought of being in a relationship is also terrifying to me. These fear stem from my marriage and also my last relationship. I know my kids would love to see me married again, but I'm ok with never being married. I'm also perfectly happy being single, actually, I'm just happy. I love myself, not many people can say that and I'm content on the way I look. I will never change for anyone again. Love is terrifying in the fact that it opens your heart to the possibility of having it broken again. I've had my heart broken its fair share and I'm not saying I will never be in love again, just the thought terrifies me. I always like to think on the positive side of life and think there is someone out there who also understands and is my soulmate, but we will see. I want to conquer my real fears first and work on the not so rational fears. LOL TTFN, Justine

Proud ish day...lol

During my marriage I was pretty isolated from groups of people. This was in part to my ex husband doesn't like people and this led to some anxiety problems with myself. When I was younger I was all about being out, being with friends, going to parties, ect.. Anymore it's more like,"Ewww..there's people outside." lol Working really helped and felt good to be around people, to have contact with adults. When I was laid off from Trade Secret, I regressed back into my married role. Back to the full time mom and wife. Back to a handful of friends. Then scouts happened and again, human adult contact and people who understood parental and marital life. And then my ex cheated on me and everything went to hell. Self esteem was crushed, self confidence was crushed, I was basically crushed. My next relationship was horrible and emotionally abusive. Then Colorado happened and I felt amazing. My friend in St. Auggy is really trying to help and today, was an improvement. LOL My friend is a pirate, him and his friend dress as pirates for charity and they are an amazing group. I'm still a bit stand off ish, but I'm warming up. I did get sick earlier, but that's part of my anxiety at times as well. LOL But, I did some interacting and that is a HUGE step. Still have my list in my head and not finished with it and my anxiety is on that list. It's something that is slightly holding me back, but I will conquer this beast. TTFN, Justine

Why it sucks to be me sometimes...

I'm empathetic, which means I feel everything. When I'm near someone I can tell the day they are having. I can feel if someone is in a good mood or if someone isn't having such a great day. Comes in handy when you are working retail, you basically know how to approach someone. My ex husband (actually we're still married, but papers have been filed on his part) told me at one point that I ran from my feeling and never knew how to express them. (He's the cat calling the kettle black, he's what I like to call emotionally constipated.) Yes, there was a time I had to shut down all emotions and had to feel nothing. It's a defense I like to use and I can switch it on and off. Our marriage had some good times and bad, but towards the end it got really bad. But the more and more I think about it, it wasn't all that great. My ex was controlling and also mentally wore me down. He tried to change me into what he thought a "perfect" wife looked like. He would complain if I wore makeup, if I colored my hair, if I cut my hair, or even if I so much as wore something he just didn't like. I put up with all of it and I forgot who I was. I even stopped practicing my craft, I'm Gypsy. I stopped believing in myself and my magic. I stopped being who I use to be and tried to be what he wanted. I stopped wearing makeup, stopped coloring my hair, and even went as far as to wear what he wanted me to wear. I use to have a ton of polo shirts, which I still can't believe I wore. It wasn't until I started working at the salon again that I started to feel like ME again. Changing my hair, doing my hair all nice, and even wearing makeup. I made some friends and even started getting tattooed by my now best friend. My ex didn't like that I had friends, that I really didn't need him for some things. Me having a social life, he didn't like. He's very introverted and really has no friends. That's not me..lol I'm a Libra, the zodiacs social butterfly. LOL Being in Colorado, I found myself again. I made some amazing friends, had a full time job, and was able to start my craft again. I feel amazing and never going to let anyone break me down mentally or emotionally again. I'm never going to let anyone control me either. If they can't like me for who I am and can't see past my tattoos, oh well, I don't need them in my life. I believe there's true soul mates for everyone and sometimes, we're lucky to just have one and sometimes we get an opportunity to have two in a lifetime. Yes, I'm a hopeless romantic at heart but, who isn't?? TTFN, Justine

This is ME...

Here I am, this is me Justine.

My List..

This spoke to me on so many levels and this is what I'm going to do. But, I'm going to share some of my goals. 1. Try on and buy, shorts and a bathing suit. I am down almost 100lbs since 2013 and I still have some hangups about how I look. I ooze self confidence and then I see myself in the mirror and still see the heavy unhappy person I was. Hey, we all have our moments and this is one I need to conquer. 2. Snakes and heights and not at the same time............lol Snakes terrify me and heights..I'm just afraid of falling to my death. These to have paralyzed before and it's something I want to overcome. 3. Hummus....LMAO It looks terrifying and gross. I'm not one to try new and unique foods, I like what I like. LOL This one is another to knock off my list. Ok, the rest I'm not going to share until I accomplished them. Lets just say, I have a long list in my head. Some are humorous and some are serious, but they all need to be accomplished at some point in my life. TTFN!!

The New ish Me...lol

The past 4 years actually I have been through the ringer. Both medically, mentally, and emotionally. Medically I am doing awesome. I was on high blood pressure meds and also stuff for my asthma, which are all under control. Mentally...Well, I'm still crazy...lol Seriously, mentally I'm doing awesome. Emotionally...doing awesome and just keep getting more and more awesome." On this blog you will learn about me and my life and my "struggles". I am a newer version of myself. I am more mentally and emotionally awake.