So This Happened..

On my way to work...I had a guy stop me and tell me that I was the prettiest thing he has seen since he's been in Saint Augustine and he was going back to Baltimore Maryland with a smile on his face. He was a sweet guy and it was nice to get a compliment. I looked like what we call a hot southern mess.........lol But, I got to thinking. Feminism has ruined the ability for men to compliment women. Think about it..men can't tell a woman she looks nice with out a woman thinking a guy just want sex out of the whole thing. Yes, there are the men who are just looking for sex or other things, but there are the genuine men who are just wanting to tell women they look nice. I'm personally not use to getting hit on since my weight loss. Ok, so I'm down nearly 100lbs since 2014 because of stress and hearing a guy hoot or holler is nice for once........lol I walk almost 2 miles to work and usually a sweaty mess when I get there, so I clean up, but still is hoot or holler is a compliment. Ok, thanks for reading my ramblings. TTFN, Justine

Family..Hear Me Out..

My family...I'm really trying to think of a way to describe them or how they use to be. My mother is and will always be an addict. She self medicates for her manic depressant bi polar, she was never fit to be a mother and that's ok. Some people are just not cut out to be parents. I have no clue who my real father is. You put all 5 of us together and only my two sisters look alike, I look like no one. My grandmother was just an unhappy evil woman. Seriously, I have nothing nice to say about her and I know she's still unhappy dead. My grandfather was the glue that held everyone together. My family was better because of him and when he died, their true colors came out. My aunt is the trouble maker and another unhappy person in life and one day in death as well. She started all the trouble in our family and her kids are no better. My brother is also an addict and has been since he was like 12. I remember having at least 2 interventions for him and that did nothing. My grandparents did him no favors babying him the way they did. He can't take care of himself and can't be alone. My sister is my rock and my best friend. We're 16 months apart and I stayed with her when I was in Colorado. I don't know what I would do if I ever lost her. My sons are my everything and I'd love to have us back in one home, but I don't see that happening. My oldest needs to be on his own, he needs to learn to be alone and to be an adult. My grandmother babied him the same way she did my brother. My youngest I was truly blessed with. He gets it all and sees it all, he has a promising future and a great head on his shoulders. I use to worry about what my family thought of me and how they viewed me. I use to worry what they would say if I ever got divorced or something happened to one of my kids. I don't care what anyone has to say anymore. It's non of their business. It's my life and their miserable and I'm not. If I ever get remarried, I don't have to worry about family gossip or drama. I have no real family and no one to answer to. I don't have to worry about someone not liking how I do my wedding or my wedding dress. None of this makes me sad, it makes me sad for the people who have to go threw all this drama. Watch Say Yes To The Dress and you will see. Seriously, it's sad. Thanks again for reading my ramblings. TTFN, Justine

So Far..

I am on my forth day of work and actually have to head out soon............lol I love my job, it's super fun and easy and work with a fellow pirate from my friends crew, so that's cool. Managers already like me, so that's even more awesome......lol I finally feel like Saint Augustine is home to me. I loved Colorado and my friends at King Soopers, but this is different and Collin is coming to visit Labor Day weekend!! On another note, I can honestly say that I don't want a serious relationship any time soon. Maybe date someone or whatever, but nothing serious. I know we can't help help how our hearts are and who and how we fall in love, but for now, I am not looking for love at all. However, I am looking for fun..........lol I had fun last night with my friends pirate crew. He was celebrating his 40th birthday and there were maybe 30 of us or so and omgoodness.....lol Did you know kids behave when pirates are sitting near by?? lol THe crew does a lot of charity work and scaring kids is all in the fun and the kids enjoy it as well. I am looking forward to dressing up as a steampunk pirate wench. lol Anyways, thank you to who ever is reading my ramblings.....lol TTFN, Justine

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Lost In My Own Thoughts....

With the new moon tomorrow and also dealing with some PMS, I have been lost in my own thoughts. And what are my thoughts you ask?? Relationships..Yep, sucks..lol All my relationships have been in some way, bad. Except for my marriage. It wasn't totally awful and he just wanted to control how I looked. I am not going to use real names, one I can because he's dead now. Erik was a bastard of a human. He was an addict and also my abuser. When he found out I was pregnant he wanted me to have a abortion. So did my grandmother and yet I defied them and had my son anyways. One night in particular he was high and I tried to leave. He yanked me by the arm, dislocated my shoulder and broke my nose. I even went into early labor, which they were able to stop. I wound up leaving him and denied him from seeing his son (which he always denied). Him and some people we knew robbed my house and torched it. Afterwards he stalked me for 4 years, until I left Ohio for Florida. My other ex bf was verbally and also physically abusive as well. We were together for 4 years and he was an ass to me and my son. He was emotionally dependent on me and was also clingy. He always had to know what I was doing, who I was with, my work schedule, and if I was with my family, he had to know if there was any guys there. He also wanted me to dress like his mom, yeah, creepy. At one point I found out I was pregnant and he hit me so hard I wound up miscarrying. He always said he never wanted kids and went as far as to say there was no way possible it was his. When I finally moved to Florida I felt like I could finally breathe. My husband (we're still married), isn't a total creep. He has his moments, but he's a good father. He just wanted to control how I looked and my friends. He didn't like I had friends, mainly because he doesn't have any, except his strange family. I on the other hand always make friends. He also controlled the money, I was a stay at home mom for most our marriage, when I wasn't working. He's also emotionally constipated, he doesn't express any of his emotions. I wear my heart on my sleeve (I haven't always..lol) and have no issues tell you how I feel. He couldn't express how he was feeling to me, but talking to Dana he had no issues and then they started screwing around behind everyone back. Then there's the 300lb asshole James Ryan Boyd (yeah, full real name). I felt bad for him, his "mom" is a bitch. Totally put him down, called him names, belittled him, ect..Oh and she's supposed to be "Christian". She's a horrible woman and I felt bad for him. I was never in love with him and I know this now. He was emotionally and verbally abusive. The way he made me feel and the things he said to me, ripped me apart. Funny thing is how he would never do it around my kids, they would've killed him. His friend has no clue how he was towards me either. He was also trying to hook up with past ex gf's as well. He is a total piece of shit and also cheated on me as well. So yeah, a look into my past relationships. LOL I had some minor relationships based purely on sex, not a bad thing. lol But, I do know one thing. Falling in love again is scary as hell to me. The "L" word is scarier and don't get me started on the "M" word. I do know one thing, I feel bad for who ever wants to be with me. I have a friend who will hurt the person who hurts me. So yeah, with PMS and a serious lack of sleep does this to me..........lol I know I'm not shattered, just a little crack and broken, but I am repairable. Thanks for reading this. TTFN, Justine

Two Years Ago Today..

My grandmother passed away. I guess I was supposed to be sad, she raised me and all that, but she was a miserable woman. She was a energy vampire that sucked all happiness and anything good out of people. She has been haunting my dreams for about 5 days or so. I can't wake myself from these dreams and I can feel the anger she has. I refuse to talk to her or acknowledge her. She never had a kind word to say, so I dread when she would even say to me. She once told my friend that getting married and having another kid was the worst thing I could've done with my life. That's just a glimpse of the person she was in life. When my grandfather passed away, it was awful. He was a good guy and his funeral was HUGE. People who loved him showed up. At my grandmother's funeral, it was just blah looking. Plain casket, barely any flowers, or even people that knew her. I made it my mission to not have a funeral like hers. I want people who genuinely love me to show up. Not to sound morbid, but I also hope a ton of people show up as well. LOL (I actually want to be cremated and my kids get to do as they wish with my ashes. I know they will do me proud.) Anyways, my grandmother is as unhappy in death as she was in life. I don't understand the hatred some people still hold onto in death. Hopefully she will now leave me alone and pester my addict brother. (Another story.) Thanks for reading my ramblings. TTFN, Justine